SOLVED - see answers. The site was not hacked, and there was no virus. Someone somewhere down the line did mess up pretty big though, and wasted alot of my (and likely others') time. I will leave this question up for the time being, because it comes up in google results and may yet help someone with the same problem.
Is WordPress.org down for you? It is for me, and several of my friends (at different houses/IPs). I'm not sure if we all have viruses, but it seems unlikely.
The only information I could find about this was 2 links:
http://www.24x7bulletin.com/2011/10/wordpress-main-website-crashed-and-down-unexpectedly/
http://www.immenso.org/15840/wordpress-org-hackerato/ [italian]
A screen shot of the site - currently displaying "Elle Social Advantage".

Google's search result (does this imply I do NOT have a virus?)

Does anyone have any insider information as to what is happening and when it will be fixed? I need the codex...